My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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