My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
