i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
