i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
