I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
