just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
