Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How does one acquire holy water?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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