do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
