Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
