just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
