you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
