I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
