We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
