I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
