I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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