thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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