where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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