the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
