Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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