guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
