If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
