Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
