Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
