i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just invented taco cereal.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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