I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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