come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
