I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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