I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize