Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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