Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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