Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
