Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
