It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
