Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
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I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
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don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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