I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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