she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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