Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
