Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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