mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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