It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
