So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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