i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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