I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
