So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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