Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
