May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
