She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
