apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
