We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
