I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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