I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She told me I should be a condom model.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.