Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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