the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
