i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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