I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
