I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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