I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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