My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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